OK, maybe I haven't been on a million first dates, like the title of a recent Atlantic article, or even 50 first dates, like that Adam Sandler-Drew Barrymore movie. But ever since I starting online dating, I have been on a ton of them. And rarely a second one. And almost never a third.
50 first dates? Feels like I've already been there, done that.
Why?
In that Atlantic article, the CEOs of online dating companies hypothesize that because online dating presents me so many options, I'm less likely to commit to one girl. They may be right. I mean, if I go on an uninspired date, I just jump back online and message a few more people. It's not that I'm even that attractive, but the nature of online dating (especially here in New York City) reassures me that it won't be long until I make another connection. ?As we become more secure and confident in our ability to find someone else, usually someone better,? says one executive, ?monogamy and the old thinking about commitment will be challenged very harshly.?
That sounds ominous until you consider the ?old thinking about commitment? is prone to sustaining some unsatisfying and unhealthy relationships. The article describes how one guy's ?desire to be with someone, to not have to go looking again, had always trumped whatever doubts he'd had about the person he was with.? As in, he almost married the wrong girl because he would have rather stayed with her than faced that ?mourning period, where you stare at your wall thinking you're destined to be alone.?
Kind of de-romanticizes the whole idea of commitment, yeah? Sticking around because you?d rather be with anyone than no one is a pretty unhealthy reason to prolong a relationship. I have mine, too: an idealist and a bit of a romantic, I've been known to stay with a girl not because I really liked her but because I wanted to really like her. In trying to convince myself of that, I lied to her and lied to myself, all the while wasting both our time. Now aware of the Internet?s seemingly endless supply of potential alternatives, it negates a certain level of desperation that would have previously kept me in an unfulfilling or even toxic relationship.
These days, if I?m on a second or third date with a girl, it's because we both deliberately and definitively want to be. It?s like we're quoting Jay-Z to each other: ?Thanks for coming out tonight. You could have been anywhere in the world, but you?re here with me.?
Without (even the subconscious) fear that I won't find someone else, I feel self-assured and therefore more honest with my intuition and with my heart. I don?t have to settle for unexceptional companionship merely because it beats a lack thereof. Instead, I can be patient. I can base my feelings on how I actually feel. I can wait for those unmistakable sensations of physical gravity, emotional alignment, and spiritual nirvana I?m supposed to experience when I find someone who's truly right. I won?t settle for anything less, even if it takes a million first dates.
Do you think online dating makes us less likely to commit? Or does it make us less likely to settle? How have your experiences with online affected your romantic outlook?
Photo: Everett Collection
Source: http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2013/02/apparently-online-dating-harms.html
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